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The Real Reason Why Your iPhone Has Become ‘Slow’

iPhone speed

Note: This is a medical post. We have come to know of a new disease that attacks iPhone users every year. Please read to find out if you have any of the symptoms.

What is it called?

Scientists are calling it the “Slow-iPhone” phenomenon. Most outbreaks occur in the month of September when the new iPhones are announced each year. It’s also known to resurface, albeit in small numbers, in March.

Symptoms:

  1. Your iPhone starts to feel like it’s slowing down.
  2. You wonder if your iPhone is slowing down.
  3. You decide your iPhone is slowing down.
  4. You are wrong.

What does it do?

Under the influence of this deadly slow iPhone virus, you start feeling that your old iPhone is slowly turning into a brick. Made of tar. All because you saw the new iPhone, which all shiny and sparkly. And it’s made of Unicorn hair.

happy iPhone customer
iPhone I have acquired thee, and thus my life stands fulfilled. Until next September

Causes:

Two words: Reality distortion.

It started with Steve Jobs, really. Thanks to his charismatic personality, he willed people to believe his words. And while his claims were not (entirely) Biblical, his persona certainly was. He created an aura of infallibility around every launch, making everyone think that unless they had the new device in their hands, the world would come to an end.

We got drunk on the charm, and we are still hungover.

Steve Jobs reality distortion field
– Hi! I am Steve. And I have the power of flight.
– Yes, yes you do.
– And this is an iPhone. And it can poop rainbows.
– Yes, of course! I have seen it with my own eyes!

Stop making this stuff up. It’s not funny!

I’m not making any of this up. The data from Google Trends, and charted by Statista, shows that searches for the term slow iPhone peaks every time a new iPhone is released.slow iPhone phenomenonThis chart here is empirical proof of our mass delusions. This is our brain, playing tricks on us, trying desperately to convince us that our lust for the new iPhone is actually a necessity.

Cure:

Part of the problem is also the new iOS that Apple releases around the same time as the new phones. The updated OS does struggle a bit on your old phone. So it will be a good idea to just hold off that update until a couple of weeks. After that you can read online reviews and find out if it is really worth it or not.

As for dealing with the hallucinations of a dying phone, there are a couple of things that you can try.

  • Voodoo/Black magic.
  • kala dhaga on your wrist.
  • Invoke the blessings of Nokiadeva (more effective if you offer a sacrifice of two touchscreens)
  • Chant the 108 names of Android.
  • Spend some time meditating in Google-aasan.

    or my personal favorite:
  • Remember that you love your girlfriend. And that it’s her birthday next week. And that you need both your kidneys to survive.

Write to us if you have any other suggestion of dealing with this slow iPhone menace.

May the Force Be With You! #WrongReference